John on AIDS:
"Should people be dying of AIDS for no reason? Yes or No? Check one."

John on his plans right after the 2004 tour:
"Sleep, it's what's for breakfast"

" "The Question Is: Who was your first celeb crush? John Mayer: 'I loved Wanda from Doogie Howser. You were either a Wanda person or a Winnie person. I was a Wanda.' "

“There’s a reason that people choose the words they use, but it gets just grazed over,” he says. “(I’ll be) just bringing up some ideas that might be in between two people’s point of view. Maybe not pro or anti, but pranti.”

"Don't be afraid of hurricane Charlie. Be afraid of hurricane Johnny!!"

"I am severely full of shit 18 out of 24 hrs"

(From the 80's Strike Back)

‘Big is the best movie of all time. If it’s a Sunday afternoon and you just got out of the shower and big is on, you will sit balls naked on the end of the bed till that movie is over because it’s that good”

“Big is the reason why I still eat baby corn”

“I was the kid who would write in the yearbook ‘see you when I’m famous’”

“I love music by artists that make me feel like it’s not just a song that I stumble on, but I stumble on the artist and hopefully people get that sense from me and maybe look forward to taking their coat off and staying for a while”

“The trapper keep is the genesis of obsessive-compulsive disorder in my generation. They had a pretty detail conversion chart inside…measure my penis with the folder too…The first week of school the trapper keeper everything is perfectly filed and then the 3rd 4th day the Louisiana purchase is just end up getting crumble up in the bottom of your backpack and you say next year”

 

"You want me to play a Dave Matthews song? You know, that's just like getting someone else's mail. It's like if I go to the mailbox and pull out a letter addressed to Dave Matthews and think 'No, that's not for me', and put it back in. Next time you go to a Dave Matthews show why don't you request some John Mayer?"

"I would also like to say hello to the top of the mullet. Business up top party in the back ."

"Now the words completely do not work at all, you’re left with nothing. You’re throwing punches under water. You’re done. You know what the moral of that story is, if there is one. Never, ever, ever, ever

underestimate the power of “I’d like that.”

"Just listen to the song, bitch!" -August 18 2004 concert

"Let's make it SO/DAMN/FUNKY, you can smell it." -August 18 2004 concert

During the song "Comfortable":

"Get the fuck out is what they said." (after the line "...they asked us if we could leave..") -August 18 2004 concert

"Life of the party and she swears that she's artsy, but you could distinguish me from Dave Matthews..." -August 18 2004 concert

"I think this is the birthplace of Paul Revere and Dunkin Donuts...and very very bad pizza by the slice. "Nelly's right, it is hot in herre. I'm sweatin. And I've got on these jeans and they're really hot, and I haven't quite mastered the whole 'ball management' thing yet"

"You want me to play a Dave Matthews song? You know, that's just like getting someone else's mail. It's like if I go to the mailbox and pull out a letter addressed to Dave Matthews and think 'No, that's not for me', and put it back in. Next time you go to a Dave Matthews show why don't you request some John Mayer?"

 

"my memories are very boring, I assure you.. 'So john, we hear you made poopies as a child..can you tell us about that?'

"[It's] always a strange thing to think that people are flying in to hear me play....that's the one thing that freaks me out, 'cause if I suck, that's a LONG RIDE HOME."

"Isn't it weird that some small pets make doo doos that look just like the food they eat? I wish I had that talent. Put it back together just the way you found it-- incredible."

 

About the xBox game "Halo": "I'm good. I'm fierce. And I'm not some gaming overachiever. I just have a skill. I was born to kill bionically augmented men.”

"Sharpies are my entire world,"

 

"In the future history of my shows there will probably be one night where i will vomit on the stage and that will suck-- One day I'm going to have to figure out a vomit recovery joke"

"Peeps are like my steroids"

"Remember, Coppertone is not a lubricant"

"If Ritalin would make me love the same girl for a long time, point me to the nearest CVS."

"See people think its weird seeing me down a bottle of water, I have never submitted to peer pressure; smoking, drinking etc. But I say raise the bottle and drink away!"

"15 years ago, me and my brother, Ben, used to walk to Cumberland Farms and get those, uh, bubblegum candy cigarettes and pretend we were high. I guess now people smoke weed. ...And they still pretend they're high..."

"Who needs prozac when you've got Arizona Iced Tea?"

Just before singing No Such Thing, "You see, when you write a song that a lot of people know, you can ramble on about anything before you start to play it. Like right now I could discuss feline herpes with you, and nobody would care."

“The graduation speaks would always say as we go into the real world. And I was like as I went to visit my friends in college when I wasn’t in college, I was like how real is this, this is a 8ftx8ft white painted brink room, that your parents are paying for, you have the credit card for “emergencies” like how real is that, I mean if that’s the graduation speech for high school, what’s the graduation speech for college, “Oh right I was lying, we kinda fooled you there, pulled one over you”

Interviewer- you said I just found out there’s no such thing as a real world just a lie you got to rise above…

John- "Yeah I was a little angry that day”

"I'm in seventeen magazine this month. Not that thats a bad thing, it just wasnt a part of the fantasy. Thats ok though cause sometimes I like giving my answers at an eigth grade level.Its kind of come full circle though cause I learned everything I know from Seventeen magazine. Like menstruation can really get in the way of dates. And the only thing you guys have clean during that time is white shorts. I didnt know that. So I took everything I learned from 17 magazine and wrote a little song about it" (YBIAW)

"It's so great just rocking out on the guitar, but you're probably thinkin 'you're song is becoming way to long mister.'"

"This is a song about lies and cheating and espionage... just kidding." (before You're Body Is A Wonderland)

"Osaka, Japan, say hellow to Dela!" Then after the next song he said, "Being on the road can be rough and tumble, and someone backstage just informed me that this isn't Osaka, Japan - we're in Indianapolis!"

"Here's the thing about that song...It's a metaphor. Uh, 'I want to run through the halls of my high school', uh, it's funny how a song...the imagery can just snap somebody sometimes. Words are powerful that way. And I always thought of it like a metaphor, you know, and that song- and I'll even admit that it does for me too, when I don't think about it, it does kind of become like the song takes place in this school. And uh, I just- I don't think I could ever walk back into my high school just like I could never lay a woman down with my hand behind her head, because then in both situation it's like 'haha like the song, haha!' And once you've kinda lionized something in a song, you can't really ever do it again because it's like 'aha like the song!' You know what I mean? Like if your wife hits something with your truck she'd be like 'Like the song...' You know?"

John sang as he pounded away, "I didn't win a Grammy for playing the keyboard”